Colbert Returns Swinging: No Nobel for Trump, National Guard Chaos, and the CDC Mass Firing Scandal

Last week, while The Late Show was on break, Stephen Colbert took a rare opportunity to escape the relentless news cycle by heading overseas. But as he humorously admitted upon his return, there’s no running from American news—even abroad, it follows you like the distant sounds of a dysfunctional family, muffled but unmistakable.

Back in the studio, Colbert wasted no time catching up on what he missed. With his trademark wit, he described the week as “less We Didn’t Start the Fire and more Everything’s on Fire ,” a sentiment that perfectly encapsulates the current state of American affairs.

The government shutdown has entered its third week, with little sign of resolution. President Trump escalated tensions by firing over 4,000 federal workers, an unprecedented move that threatens the stability of key agencies. Among the casualties are 466 employees from the Department of Education, a decision Colbert lampooned by suggesting kids can learn essential life lessons from “older cousins with fireworks and a Playboy stashed under a log.”

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) hasn’t been spared either. Many of its employees—responsible for overseeing the safety of America’s drinking water—have been sent home until the government reopens. Colbert joked that, to be safe, he’s switched to drinking bourbon, only to realize that might actually be the water now.

While Trump touts his efforts to broker peace abroad, his domestic actions paint a very different picture. The President deployed National Guard troops to Chicago and Portland, citing rampant crime—despite evidence that crime rates in both cities have fallen. Colbert, a former Chicago resident, expressed horror at the militarization of his old stomping grounds.

In Chicago, ICE agents have reportedly been conducting aggressive raids, arresting immigrants and even U.S. citizens without due process, and teargassing journalists. The situation, Colbert quipped, is so dire that it makes one nostalgic for earlier, less severe infractions.

Portland, meanwhile, has become the stage for surreal protests. Anti-ICE demonstrators have taken to the streets dressed as chickens, dinosaurs, unicorns, sharks, and inflatable frogs. Colbert praised these “inflatable heroes” for defending democracy—and saving Party City in the process.

Amid domestic turmoil, Trump managed to broker a ceasefire in Gaza, resulting in the release of all living Israeli hostages and nearly 2,000 Palestinian prisoners. Colbert, ever the satirist, gave credit where due but likened Trump’s unexpected good deed to Darth Vader revealing he’s an organ donor.

Despite this achievement, Trump did not receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Colbert mocked the Nobel Committee’s decision, comparing Trump to Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King, and jokingly referenced a fictitious quote from Nelson Mandela about Rosie O’Donnell

On the economic front, Trump announced a staggering 100% tariff on China, triggering the worst day for the stock market in six months. Amidst the chaos, Taylor Swift released her new album, The Life of the Showgirl , to mixed reviews—though Colbert suspects jealousy of her talent and her relationship with Travis Kelce’s “Majestic Redwood.”

Perhaps most troubling are the mass layoffs at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). With over 4,000 federal workers fired, the U.S. is left increasingly vulnerable to infectious disease outbreaks—a risk that Colbert’s research team flagged as particularly alarming.

Stephen Colbert’s return to The Late Show offers a much-needed satirical lens through which to process the relentless barrage of news. From government shutdowns and mass firings to militarized cities and inflatable frog brigades, Colbert highlights the absurdity—and gravity—of America’s current moment. As he reminds us, even when you try to escape the news, it finds you. And sometimes, laughter is the only way to cope.