In what might be the most confusing cross-over event since the Simpsons met Family Guy, billionaire Elon Musk has allegedly drawn a line in the ice: either the Edmonton Oilers partner with Tesla, or every Canadian — including Oilers players — will be permanently banned from buying Tesla cars.

Yes, you read that correctly. Canadians. The whole country.

“Maple Syrup Runs on Diesel, Not Electricity”

At a hastily convened press conference that may or may not have taken place in Musk’s Twitter replies, the Tesla CEO reportedly declared:

“The Edmonton Oilers must embrace Tesla technology. If not, no more Teslas for Canada. Hockey players can keep driving Zambonis to practice.”

When asked why he would single out a hockey team and an entire nation, Musk replied:

“I’ve always said Tesla is about pushing boundaries. What better boundary than the 49th parallel?”

Oilers Caught Off Guard

Sources inside the Oilers’ locker room say players were “confused but intrigued” by the ultimatum. One player, speaking anonymously, said:

“Honestly, I just wanted to know if the Cybertruck could drive through a snowbank the size of Saskatoon. If Musk can promise that, we’ll sign the partnership tomorrow.”

Connor McDavid, meanwhile, reportedly Googled “How to ride a moose to practice” in preparation for a Tesla ban.

Canada Responds

The Canadian government, blindsided by this sudden automotive standoff, is considering retaliation. Measures on the table include:

Banning Musk from ordering poutine through DoorDash.

Renaming SpaceX rockets “SpiceX” and filling them with Tim Hortons chili.

Declaring maple syrup a “strategic resource” and denying Musk access.

One MP allegedly said, “If Elon thinks he can play hardball with Canada, he’s never seen us play shinny at –40°C with no gloves.”

What Happens Next?

Analysts warn that if Musk follows through, Canadians could flood used-car lots, hoarding Teslas like rare Pokémon cards. Meanwhile, NHL insiders fear a domino effect: if the Oilers cave, will the Maple Leafs be next? Will Tesla release a hockey-themed Model Zamboni?

For now, the puck is in the Oilers’ zone. And Musk, as always, is tweeting from the penalty box.

Want me to make this read more like The Onion-style news satire (deadpan, faux-serious) or more like a parody sports blog (casual, over-the-top jokes)?