Edmonton, Alberta — In news that has already rattled the very foundations of the hockey world, Mark Messier — yes, that Mark Messier — was reportedly spotted driving a Nissan Versa, a car so humble that sportswriters are still checking their dictionaries for synonyms of “unbelievable.”
Eyewitnesses claim that two days ago, Messier and his wife encountered a “fender-bender of mildly inconvenient proportions” at a suburban intersection. The alleged injuries? Sore shoulders, mildly bruised egos, and the realization that a six-time Stanley Cup champion was piloting a car with cupholders designed for a child’s juice box.
“Honestly, we’re all just shaken up,” said one local who insisted on anonymity while posting live updates on three social media platforms. “Not by the accident itself, but by the fact that a man who once hoisted Lord Stanley’s Cup was hoisting reusable grocery bags into the trunk of a Versa.”
Medical experts confirmed that Messier and his wife are both “fine, like actually fine,” though the former Oiler captain has reportedly requested a moment of silence for his dignity.
Fans, meanwhile, flooded forums with tributes, memes, and Photoshop edits of the incident. One especially viral post shows Messier’s famous gap-toothed grin photoshopped onto the Versa’s front grille.
As of press time, the Nissan Versa remained in stable condition.
EDMONTON – Goalies haven’t had the best time playing for the Edmonton Oilers lately.
Stuart Skinner and Calvin Pickard have had their moments of struggle (with Skinner struggling more than Pickard). Goaltending and defensive play are the backbone of a Stanley Cup Champion team.
It’s true, the Oilers came close to winning it twice. But, close is fine when it comes to horseshoes and hand grenades – not hockey.
The Boston Bruins, New Jersey Devils, and Detroit Red Wings all have a prospect goaltender (or two) who could boost the Oilers’ depth at the goalie position. Michael DiPietro, Nico Daws, Sebastian Cossa, and Trey Augustine have all been connected to the Oilers at one point or another.
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Of those options, Daws has the most NHL experience. However, this hasn’t stopped other hockey pundits from suggesting otherwise.
Allan Mitchell of The Athletic has identified DiPietro as a trade target for the Oilers. In a piece penned earlier in August, Mitchell makes the statement that DiPietro is “the best inexpensive goaltender available.”
With only three games of experience, it takes gusto to make that claim. Daws has better results in a much bigger sample size, while Cossa’s draft pedigree has earned him a longer leash than DiPietro.
